How Susie Learned to Speak in Vague Hypotheticals
Seven-year-old girl: Daddy! You wanna hear a secret?!
Dad: Sure, but remember honey: I’m a social worker so if this is a secret about you hurting yourself or others I have to report it.
Seven-year-old girl: … Never mind.
–LaGuardia Airport
I Didn’t Ask for Facts, Either
Guy who just managed to squeeze onto the train: There no room here.
Girl trying to get on the train: I didn’t ask for no attitude.
Guy: You’re too fat.
–1 Train
Brooklyn’s a Lot Quieter Since the Pod People Moved In
Guy #1: Hey, what did you do this weekend?
Guy #2: Dude, I bought a crock pot.
Guy #1: Awesome.
–80 Hansen Pl, Brookyln
But Technically, Everything’s Free for Me.
Mom: So, when you send me a text message, is that free?
Twentysomething daughter: No.
Mom: Then stop texting me all the time!
Daughter: Oh, well it’s free for me. It’s just not free for you.
–D Train